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On the contrary, with the anti-superficial and logical approach of my father in raising me, as well as my mother's anti-subservient, and more ambitious role in my life, I grew up with the notion that to be a woman was to be human- and to be human was not simply to be "sexy" and feminine, but to be determined, outspoken, intelligent, and independent. To be human meant to identify, understand, and read through emotions and focus on reality. It meant to be diplomatic, intuitive, and shrewd, and destined for success. Oddly enough, this perspective I had became all the more confusing to me when my parents incorporated the Christian doctrine, and teachings of the "virtuous" woman. Two separate ideas conflicted as I supposed to be ambitious, out-spoken and independent, yet, at the same time, "virtuous" or- weak, self-less, sentimental, submissive, and reticent.
Consequently, my self-conception of what it meant to be a woman disappeared, and it was only what it meant to be me. I found myself losing sight of the biblical teachings and deciding what I wanted to be, not based upon how I should be, but solely on what felt good, and what I felt was good for me. And that was due in large part to how my father had raised me, instilling in me such a sense of individualism- "what works for you", and "what will make you successful".
In my opinion, sex appeal feels good, as does being attractive. To maintain this identity, as many women do, I would dabble into the world of glitz and glamour. That meant cosmetics, exercise, healthy eating, and a social life. Certainly, along with this came the self-confidence that, in my opinion, gives off that extra aura necessary to maintain this identity. Clearly, self-confidence was very necessary to my life, as it provided the foundation for my ability to raise my standards and work harder in seeing that my potential had no limitations, thus opening a world of opportunity.
At the same time, academic success, ambition and hard-work- basically what society views as the "characteristics of a man", seemed just as appealing as the superficial aspect of sex appeal and beauty. So, for me, both the "man's role", and the "women's role" was what it meant to be a woman in my eyes. But, beyond the simplicity of that statement, both worlds meant really- what it means to be me. Basically, an individual exposed to many things, but ultimately weeding out beliefs and perspectives that were not beneficial to me, and learning how to decipher between what others think I should be and being what I believe is best for me.
So now, when I look I the mirror and examine my reflection, I see that which makes me a woman. When I take home exams with "A+" printed on the from, I see that which makes me a woman. When I wear a curve hugging, cleavage showing, foxy dress- looking so sexy at a party, I see that which makes me a woman. When I go jet-skiing, or mountain climbing, I see that which makes me a woman. The times when I have episodes of emotion, or when I feel compassion, sensitivity and love, I see that which makes me a woman. Ultimately, all that matters is being what I want to be. With this said, there really was never any gender crossing. There was never any line to cross between "feminine" and "masculine", as both genders were necessary and essential to create my identity. Both of these genders were a learned behavior that somehow meshed into one at my very own self-discovery.